Today, 20 months into the plandemic and the total re-structuring of life and the world as we knew it, I am wondering about the fear of death.
I am wondering about how it shapes our relationship to life, how it shapes the way that we process information and experience, the values we create, and the behaviors that arise when death comes near. I am wondering about how easy we are to manipulate when we fear death. How susceptible we become.
Do I fear death? Surely yes, in ways I haven’t fully felt yet. Do I fear the pain that precedes death? Yes. I do, quite more than Death itself. When I turn my attention towards that realm, I can feel just the edge of a terror that takes my breath away.
I also know that this is there, woven into life as surely as any thread of pleasure. That there will probably be some kind of pain at the end of this life, and that death will come to collect me. When I feel that reality brush close, I always turn towards it with as much bravery as I can, just to say “I see you, and though my knees tremble at your power, I accept you.”
As well as I can.
I feel deep sorrow over how extensive the conditioning is that makes us fear death and cleave to carnal life instead of knowing that death is a part of life and cleaving to what makes Life beautiful beyond having a pulse.
I recognize that I speak from a place of privilege here; I am healthy and able bodied. I am not particularly susceptible to anything in any remarkable way. My vitality and immunity are robust. For some people that’s not the case. And for some people they believe the narrative, that there are no treatments and no possibilities other than the shot. I do not believe that - I never have.
And I see, with painful clarity, how our alienation from Death narrows our relationship to life so spectacularly that when Death comes close we back ourselves into the corner of continuing to breathe instead of continuing to live. I’ve been watching this fear turn the world inside-out for the past 20 months. I’ve seen the powers-that-be leverage this fear to their advantage brutally and without respite for the past 20 months. And I wonder when we will cross the threshold that we are standing at for this whole long stretch of time and finally evolve out of our fear of Death and into a deep, empowered relationship with Death instead.
I hope that I will cleave to Beauty instead of continuation when that choice gets handed to me. Throughout this whole journey that’s what I have done thus far: I have accepted that there is a new creature moving among us that can wreak havoc on even the healthiest body, and I have aligned my allegiance with life because of it, not in spite of it. I have continued to dance with people. I have held my beloveds and even strangers close. I have taken hands in the grocery store when faced with eyes teared up from the stress of this situation. I have chosen Life over fear, and I have chosen Life over safety. That is the expression of my own free will. I know for others the whole field of the experience is different, and they make choices accordingly. This is the choice that I have made and continue to make. This is a choice that I hope is seasoning me for my meeting with the Death Mother when she comes nearer to me and finally takes my hand to lead me into her country.
I hope that when it comes my time to sit in whatever iteration of that spot is mine to experience that I surrender to the coming of that great power and align the whole of my attention to the manifold expressions of love and wonder that exist beyond the illusion of bodily safety. I hope I will have cultivated enough of an empowered relationship with Death to be humble, bold, wise, and brave in its presence. I hope that I will have made peace with the reality of my own death and Death itself so that I will stay open and let the presence of that tremendous force render me luminous with wonder and deepening ever further into transformative and evolutionary wisdom on my way to whatever happens next for a soul on the journey from source through experience and back into source.
I don’t know how it will be. Death is so conceptual for me at this point in my life. I’m still here and I live, as well, in this death-phobic and death-illiterate society that treats this integral power like an aberration and a villain. As surely as I have any kind of conditioning quietly forming my relationship with life, this one is there too.
So I turn my attention towards it today in a state of wonder, practicing to welcome this terrifying power as an element of Being worthy of respect and honor. I turn my attention towards releasing the fear of it and embracing the reality of it in a way that is more than resignation or uneasy truce, but is actually true and full acceptance and deepens me into my sovereignty and power more than anything else. I do not invite it to come to me now, I just open to its presence as an element of life and pray for that opening to deepen and enrich me because this great one is something that I will meet whenever I do and I want to be cultivated enough to meet it well.
My prayer is to truly embrace the reality of Death as what it is: the way that life completes its journey, an arc on the spiral, an element of creation, and an opportunity for experiencing the miraculousness of creation in action.
And my prayer is that it will make me more compassionate, graceful, beautiful, and luminous while I am here, as well.